Guilt
I’ve been accused of fetishizing my guilt and the sadness that stems from it. That’s probably accurate.
This is hardly a unique thing, and it’s not like it’s life-ruining, it’s just something I have to live with. Guilt isn’t inherently bad, it’s the only way we learn to stop hurting people, but I will admittedly take it overboard.
Regardless, I do feel guilty over pretty much everything. I will get into guilt spirals and overanalyze every questionable decision I’ve ever made, and start feeling like I have ruined everyone’s life by my mere existence. Given enough time, I could probably convince myself that I was responsible for 9/11, or at least didn’t do enough to stop it.
I’m being facetious, but only kind of. Lately, I’ve noticed a form of guilt that just has no right to exist in my gut: guilt over things that I literally have no way of changing.
Generally, when I feel guilt over something, it’s because I feel like I could have done something differently. I could have been kinder, or I could have helped that person when they were in need, or I could have been more mindful/sensitive to someone’s cries for help. Even if it’s not actually my fault, I still perceive things as being my problem.
Again, this isn’t necessarily all bad, because I do think it helps me be a better person and at the very least reminds me that I’m not a sociopath.
However, I’ve noticed that for the last year or so, I’ve started feeling guilty over things that I know aren’t my fault. I couldn’t have done things differently, I likely didn’t even have anything resembling a choice in the matter, and if I did then I’m confident I made the right choice.
Keep in mind, “guilt” is a different emotion than “sad”; I feel sad when a relative or pet dies, or if I feel overwhelmed, or someone manages to say something that gets under my skin. They’re both unpleasant feelings, but guilt is a distinct feeling from sadness.
So when I say I feel guilty over things that I have no control over, it’s the same feeling as “wanting forgiveness”, but I don’t even know who the hell I’m supposed to ask forgiveness from.
Cowardice
I try to have a very strong sense of “right” and “wrong”. Everyone says that they have that, and I don’t know that I’m better than anyone else, but I do put a lot of thought into trying to figure out the “right” thing, whatever that is, and more importantly I have a policy now of “don’t let being a coward stop you from doing the right thing”.
I’m not perfect at following it, but it’s the closest thing I have to a religious axiom at this point. History is filled with cowards who are almost as culpable as the monsters we all hear about. I am sure there were plenty of Nazis who didn’t like the idea of murdering millions of Jews, but they were too afraid to do anything or say anything about it. The police officers at Uvalde probably didn’t love the idea of children being shot, but they were too big of cowards to try to stop it. There were almost certainly American soldiers who didn’t want to execute Native Americans but were “just following orders”.
In 2021, after Lowtax killed himself, I made a promise to myself that I would never let myself fall into that camp, and even at an expense to myself I will not be a coward and I will do the right thing. It’s been tested a few times, most of the time I pass, sometimes I don’t, but it’s how I’ve decided to live my life.
But I think this mantra is part of why I have started feeling guilt over things that aren’t my fault. Since I have repeatedly been telling myself that I should be actively trying to do the right thing or to try and stop people from doing the wrong thing, I’ve sort of lost the ability to differentiate things that I have control over and things that I don’t.
Sometimes I wish I could help everyone. I wish I had billionaire money that I could use to make sure everyone had healthcare, or food, or housing, or whatever help they need.
I’m a reasonably intelligent person, or at least that’s what I tell myself. I guess a part of me feels, however irrational and stupid, that a smart and generous person should be able to save the world. I should be able to donate money or volunteer or teach some kid algebra or something to improve everyone’s life.
Increasingly, though, I have started to fear that I can’t help anyone. Sometimes it feels like every time I try to help someone, it backfires and enables something worse to happen.
I know that’s probably not actually true, but it can certainly make you feel like a plague on society.
These thoughts have come to me after a bit of family drama. This family lives far away from me, and I have no means by which to do anything to help them, but I feel like I should.
My family is in a situation where they don’t want to be and can’t be helped by anything I can do. I reach out, I make my offers, I try to negotiate, and nothing helps. I tell myself that you can’t help people who won’t help themselves, but that feels like a cop-out.
Maybe I just have a savior complex.